His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
