remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
