There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
