Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
