i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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