We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
