Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
