id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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