I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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