also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
