Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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