I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
of course. lets lasso hookers.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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