my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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