I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
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