I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Randomize
