Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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