that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
People with herpes should wear stickers.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
