It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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