Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
