i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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