True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
