my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
