dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
