her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
