high people should be assigned attendants
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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