I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
