Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
