Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
