i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
