somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
