Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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