Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
