So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
