Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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