I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
