I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
