i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
