I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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