Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
