He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
