At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
