i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
