haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I just blew my weed a kiss
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
