I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I did not marry a roomba.
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