This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
