he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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