Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I had to cum in my sink.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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