just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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