Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
