Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
