i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
