Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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