Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
