the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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